Not of My Making by Margaret M. Jones, Ph.D. - Book Review - Q & A
Margaret was here LIVE on May 2nd, 2009 to discuss her book and answer questions.
Book Review
Margaret M. Jones Ph.D.
Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches
First Printing 2008
Pluck Press, P.O. Box 516, Stoughton MA 02072-0516, www.pluckpress.com
ISBN: 978-0-9801491-0-4
Dr. Jones’ book is more than a memoir of abusive events in her life and her losses and successes while overcoming them. It is a testimony of her drive to survive and even thrive despite overwhelming odds.
Following her journey from childhood abuse through recovery gives more than just a glimpse into the mentality of a victim. She details how the victim mentality begins and the story of her life in crisis displays some ways in which some victims try to deal with abuse and the emotions and bad self-image that arise from abuse. We see her pitfalls and her triumphs. As a victim of abuse myself I have been more than able to identify with Dr. Jones, even when my experiences of abuse in general and spiritual abuse took place under different circumstances. I found her detailed descriptions of fears, emotions and thoughts echoed in my own.
The book, because of the powerful feelings it describes, also evokes powerful emotional responses. Only someone devoid of emotions would be able to walk away from it untouched. Dr. Jones pulls away the veil concerning the often taboo subject of spiritual abuse and empowers women to think outside the box that society and churches place them in. The book is more than relevant to men affected by abuse as well, but women are more often on the receiving end of abuse because of the pecking order imposed upon them by society and religion.
Dr. Jones’ need for justice and her contempt for keeping up appearances were some of the reasons she was shunned, she wrote. How true this is not only in the religious world but in the academic and corporate ones as well. Bullying and group dynamics as they are expressed in childhood can also overflow into adulthood making life an obstacle course for persons affected by abuse. Especially spiritual abuse can be particularly devastating as it not only can cause great emotional damage but impair a person’s relationship with God. Interpersonal relationships are strained, bent, even wrecked beyond repair.
Part of her answer to her repeated encounters with abusive or at least neglectful by-standing persons in churches was this:
I needed to empty myself of other people’s false projections that had been motivated by their envy. I needed to accept myself and see myself for who I was. I needed to affirm that I was a kind and generous person who was passionate, intelligent, vulnerable yet strong, educated and faithful. That was the answer.
I agree that the key to survival lies in accepting the true self that is planted in reality while at the same time rejecting the faulty self-image that bullies try to impose on vulnerable victims. Abusers try to project a poor self image onto their victims, lying even about the characters of their victims. But their lying accusations of worthlessness and stupidity are never true.
Faith played a major role in Dr. Jones’ recovery and the affirmation that God was always there for her even when it seemed that hardly anyone else was. She knew that God loved her as his own creation and that everything he created was good. This and other solutions that she employed to overcome abuse are sure to be useful to others in abusive situations. Toward the end of the book she describes many eye-opening discoveries after researching the subjects of bullying and spiritual abuse.
Dr. Jones’ book, Not of My Making, has empowered me and inspired me to fight for my rights in a current battle I am waging with injustice and bullying at the workplace that cost me my job. I am fighting not only for the future of my children, but also for my own future. Even though the outcome may not turn out exactly as I like, I will know that I have done my utmost for justice and empowerment in my life. I hope that reading her book will have the same effect on you.
For a preview of her book go to Pluck’s Blog.
To buy the book go to pluckpress.com or to amazon.com
Dr. Jones founded PluckPress as a place for survivors to tell their stories. Writing is a productive avenue to explore abuse and recover from it that I often use myself. I am sure that many other survivors will benefit from her creativity and energy to pave the way both informationally and by providing a publisher that is partial to printing the testimonies of abuse survivors.
Dr. Jones,
In your book, you describe that many churches have little or no provisions for handling conflicts. In my experience of spiritual abuse even Matthew 18 was not followed. Do you see any denominations becoming more friendly toward persons victimized by clergy?
Dr. Jones,
On page 283 you wrote:
“I realized I had been relegated to the margins. That was unacceptable. I would rather not belong than be marginalized.”
I agree that overcoming abuse involves setting boundaries about what behavior we are willing to tolerate from others. A lot of abused persons don’t know where to set such boundaries. Do you have any suggestions as to what behavior is unacceptable?
Good Morning,
I am currently in a church, All Saints Anglican, that welcomes individuals who have been victimized by clergy. I think this is because of the leadership of Fr. Lance who does not tolerate gossip about church members. He has supported my efforts to market my book. However, I do not think the majority of churches are supportive. Many church members want to believe that church is the perfect place and nothing wrong can go on there and if it does it is one person’s fault. If you get rid of that person than the problem is solved. That approach requires nothing from the church community.
Each individual must decide for themselves how they want to be treated and to not be afraid to say no. I was harshly criticized for not wanting to be hugged by church members who were refusing to speak to me after church service. I believe every individual gets to decide how close they want others to come and who they will let in and who they will keep out.
Good morning Dr. Jones, I am about half way through “Not of My Making”. I really like the way you have allowed the reader to really get into how a victim thinks. You have made yourself human and real, and have given a thought process to go along with the story of the events. I am sure that different people will view your book in different ways based on their own experiences with abuse.
I would highly recommend this book to any abuse survivor! As it is not just about the abuse you endured at the hands of the church, it is more about taking on the role of a victim and how to cope with living in that role; and eventually how to overcome that role.
I would also recommend this book for anyone that works with victims in any capacity. Because your book takes the reader so deep into the inner thoughts of a victim of abuse it would help those working with victims and survivors to truly understand what is going on in their thoughts. Many times victims and survivors can not express in words how they are thinking and you book gives that insight that would help many to understand.
All of that said to the professional side, I would like to thank you personally for having the courage to write what you have been through in such a candid way as to help victims, survivors, and advocates alike.
Mary Morgan
Thank you Mary,
I certainly want to help other survivors to recover from abuse while making others aware of the problem. However, I don’t think of it as a “victim mentality.” I know you don’t mean to imply that a victim is at fault but do we talk about a victim mentality when we talk about someone being mugged on the street? There is no shame to having been victimized. The shame is on the perpetrator not the victim. Individuals can learn to protect themselves better but that doesn’t guarantee that they will never be victimized again.
I was an abused child, by parents that didn’t have the tools necessary not to abuse. They weren’t monsters, just didn’t know how to be good parents, although they did try and did try to get help. I was bullied in school, being a red-head, overweight, and already abused at home I was an easy target. This of course lead me into abusive relationships as a teenager and adult. For me, I was so used to being treated a certain way that I thought the bullying and abuse was “normal” and just the way it was, and accepted it as so. I think bullies and abusers can sense this in people, because most would stick up for themselves out front and put a stop to it.
I went to a private school within the Roman Catholic Church, and of course attended church within the Roman Catholic Church as well. I no longer do as an adult, yet have found a more open Christian congregation instead. But, going through the RCC, and seeing what they do, how they treat people, what they expect, I never want to go to that kind of church again. I can’t say if it’s the Roman Catholic Faith, or just the church I went too, but it was enough for me to not want to go to another. Years later as an adult, after numerous DV relationships, I heard on the news about the 4 Roman Catholic priests that were on trial for molesting their alter boys. My brother had been one of the 4 priests alter boys! I knew Father Bava! This shattered my already thin faith badly, and it took me years on top of my other issues with my faith because of my abuse to be able to work on my faith.
My son was bullied badly in schools. He is a sponge, just wanted everyone to like him, afraid to speak up for himself, and of course didn’t tell me he was being bullied. It came to a point that a friend that lived across the street and went to the same school on the same bus came over and told us that he was being hit, kicked in the groin, choked, called names, and whatever other thing the bullies could think of doing. He didn’t want us to know, because he was afraid of not only the bullies, but of being taken out of school. When going to the school to talk to the principal to see if this issue could be resolved, with a list of names of who was doing the bullying (given by his friend who knew them all, small town) the principal wanted my son to go into the classroom with him, point out the bullies, then go into another room and have a discussion with them. This showed me that he had no idea how to handle this issue, and would have only made it worse on my son in school. I now homeschool him, and teaching him that he does NOT deserve to be treated in that fashion by anyone! He’s afraid to go back to school, or youth groups, or anything of the such because he’s afraid he’s going to get bullied again (and goes into tears if I tell him he’s going to do something with other children). He does do youth group now, but is afraid to make friends because he doesn’t want to be hurt again. I fear that if I don’t get him out of this, he may end up being abused as an adult, something Mommy will be watching out for and helping to handle if an issue.
My thing is, that I call bullying in the schools abuse. It’s abuse in the schools, for being a DV Survivor as well, I see many parallels between adult abusers and childhood abusers, and feel that childhood abusers will become our adult abusers as well. If we do NOT teach these children that have abusive tendencies while in school and still young, they will be our next generation of abusers. In talking with Survivors, many of them know that their abusers were bullies in school. Many of their abusers have had issues fitting in. We DO have a chance with our younger generation to help ensure that the next generation of abusers are stopped before starting.
Yes, I completely agree with you on that. I was not clear, I apologize for that, and thank you for pointing it out! I was attempting to say that many do think of it as their fault but it isn’t, regardless of the situation that makes them think of themselves as being at fault. So, no it isn’t a ‘victim mentality’ that as a victim of abuse must be overcome.
Mary
Mary, Learning that distinction was hard for me. I didn’t recover from the abuse until I realized it wasn’t my fault. I was just an easy target for a number of reasons. By making myself stronger it is harder to attack me but the perpetrator is still responsible for their behavior. If they aren’t successful at bullying me they move on to someone else. That is unacceptable. A society is to be judged on how well they care for its must vulnerable members.
Dear Dr. Jones,
I think that those that are touched by the abuse are seeing the issues that the bullying and abuser are causing, but so many in Society don’t see it. Child abuse is more well known, and many are now learning the signs and what to do if a child is being abused. Bullying in the schools is being worked on, yet, so many schools don’t know how to effectively combat bullying within their schools. Bullying within the Churches is a continuous problem, yet, have seen many that are working within the churches to help solve this issue. DV is still seen by most of Society as a “family matter”, and many still don’t understand that abusers also do things within the community that are harmful, that children that live in abusive households become abusers themselves often times, and that most of those in jails come from abusive homes.
Keep banging your head!! I know that I have days where I’m just totally burned out, and just don’t want to deal with the issues that I know are out there, but if we don’t, if each of us don’t strive to make a difference, who will? When I have those days, I get contacted once again by another Survivor or Victim, and what they are going through, and their pain and anguish get me going again, as do their victories!
I applaud you for speaking out, for it’s only by speaking out in many different formats are we ever going to affect change….
UAADV Founder, bullying is certainly a form of abuse. There is some research that shows those that bully in school, bully as adults at work and at home.
I am unsure what advice to give survivors except that it is important to break the silence and to learn to stand up for yourself. I believe predators figure out who to bully by testing the waters and seeing who fails to fight back. There is some research that suggests in the early school grades the targets of bullying are chosen randomly. By middle school the bullies have figured out who they can bully with impunity. Parents need to teach their children not to ignore teasing and teach them verbal defense techniques.
I am doing better sticking up for myself and seeking allies when I need to.
Yes, Dr. Jones, I also remember that distinction being hard for me as well. I was not able to move on in my life until I learned that. I totally agree with all that you are saying! It is fine that I have healed from the abuse I have been through and that I have taken steps to not be a target anymore. It is fine that I now am in a position where I can help others learn to do the same. But, the abusers and bullies just move onto new targets, and that is the issue that society as a whole needs to address. It is getting to the point that others who have not been through this first hand, recognize the need and then to be willing to help in stamping it out.
I hope those who haven’t been abused are starting to recognize the problem. I still see the divide. Also, there are victims of abuse who also don’t get it. Who are still denying their vulnerability. Churches are particularly resistant to looking at themselves and changing. At times I feel like I am banging my head on the church door and that it is all futile. But I feel compelled to continue and speak out with the hope that I am planting seeds.
“Power and prestige held little interest for me. I was more interested in a just world. One where people weren’t victimized the way I had been. That was what mattered to me: creating a just world one step at a time.” p. 93
I agree with that statement. Somehow a large part of me has always been concerned with justice and fairness. I wonder if that is something that controllers and abusers ever think about. I think that they are more interested in their own private worlds where they are in control vs. reality where they are faced with their own inadequacy. Justice is never served when they are served.
Do you have any advice for those that have gone through an abusive childhood and/or that always seem to be victims? Is there some mark on us that tells all of those predators out there that we are vulnerable? Do you know how to get rid of it, whatever it is?
In the congregation I was confronted with people seemed almost brainwashed to follow the pastor. He put me to the test by inviting me to communion day then not letting me take part. Everyone had been heard the sermon In front of everyone he said that those from visiting sister congregations could take part, but not Sister (my name here). I was so embarrassed that I hid in the bathroom until everyone was served. I did get a little sympathy from a neighbor. I later wrote a letter to the pastor that expressed my anger about the unfairness of it all and about his insensitivity to invite me to that particular service then not allow me to participate. It was like a slap in the face telling me that I was not Christian and not worthy to take part in communion after Jesus Christ had died for my sins. Without my knowledge the letter I wrote was read in front of the congregation. The neighbor that was sympathetic to me before was afraid of me after that.
I believe that the whole ordeal was a test. If I submitted to the pastor and lost myself I would be giving up my control over myself and giving it to him. I would be happy to put any crowns I have at Jesus’ feet, but certainly not at the feet of any mere mortal, much less a bastard at that.
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