It would be great if everyone in churches were so mature to be able to handle conflict when it arises as Paul recommended. But the testimonies of everyone that has been spiritually abused, including myself, show that our situations were not handled correctly by the churches we attended.

I think that an organization that would check on other churches abilities to handle conflict in a humane and especially Christian way would force some congregations to behave. I think that the organization could keep private and PUBLIC online records. The public records would include the name and address of a specific congregation and some non-personal details of the conflict and whether it was successfully resolved or not. A congregation with many unsolved conflicts registered would warn potential churchgoers not to go there and also warn the particular denomination in question that maybe they should do something about the leaders of that congregation.

If the organization regularly visits churches and makes sure that people are aware that they exist and that they have useful information in case they run into problems that their church is unwilling to solve correctly (report crimes to police, hold perpetrators responsible) then there is an organization that can help them. It would be like informing people about a shelter for domestic violence where even legal advice can be gotten.

Funding would be a problem, though, because since the government cannot and should not be involved with such an organization, it would have to be run like a foundation, a non-profit organization (if rich donators can be found) and/or on a donation/volunteer basis.

Public mention of problems (of course not the victim’s name) in a church may work like the lists of companies that are selling arms to or supporting nuclear technology in the middle east.

The better business bureau has information on businesses that have cheated people or that have faulty products.

Greenpeace alerts people to human and environmental injustice. They have a loud voice that alerts people to situations that no one else might address or that industry tries to hide. Sometimes this gets results.

I think that people need to know about injustice in churches, especially when the churches are not dealing with it properly.

Due to my studies, I do not currently have time to really look into getting someone to start a foundation for something like this. I will be busy for at least the next three years. As far as starting one out of my own pocket I’d have to win the lottery or wait years until I would have enough money, perhaps never. A cooperation with others may be an option in the future.

What I am proposing would be different from a government agency. The organization would have no real power or backing by the government. It would only be there to provide real people to talk to if churchgoers (or pastors) are being spiritually abused as well as sound legal advice for those who need it and a voice for those that have none.

I am thinking that it would be a way to show controllers that someone is on the victim’s side and that they better not hurt people or the public will know about it. Denominations would also be forced to keep a better watch over pastors or risk being called “negligent.” The organization could also keep statistics based on the number of contacts concerning abuse by organization or church/year and publicize when an abuse ridden organization has had a change of leadership.

Also, abusive pastors would have a harder time just moving away from the church that has uncovered them to go plague someone else if their names were already out there. Anyone could look up a pastor’s name and see if he had been kicked out for abuse. The system would also protect abused pastors by giving them a place to go if they think that they were mobbed out of their jobs for less than ample reasons by their superiors.

The legal aspects of publicly exposing churches and church leaders could be daunting. But there is a way to do it. Rick Ross’ site about cults, The Ross Institute, has a way of listing things so that it does not get sued.

I have talked to people in rehab that did not want to complain about conditions for fear of getting even less adequate care. Some were afraid of questioning the doctor’s orders. I told them not to be afraid and that if they felt they were getting less than optimal care that they have rights that must be honored by the facility. I told them to tell their families and social workers that were responsible for their cases. I could not question the doctors but they could. They felt very empowered just knowing that they have the control even though it seemed that they were nearly completely dependent on others for care, following someone else’s schedule and doctor’s orders.

The Ombudsman Agency for Nursing Homes gives patients the feeling and knowledge of empowerment even though they are dependent on others for almost everything they need. The agency provides the potentially defenseless with a strong arm and a voice.

Whereas someone may or may not call an abuse hotline or visit a forum for abuse victims, they are more likely to call a real, caring person that they have seen and met if they are having problems. That is why I think that if such an agency existed it would have the most impact by visiting churchgoers personally.

I am unsure what advice to give survivors except that it is important to break the silence and to learn to stand up for yourself. I believe predators figure out who to bully by testing the waters and seeing who fails to fight back. There is some research that suggests in the early school grades the targets of bullying are chosen randomly. By middle school the bullies have figured out who they can bully with impunity. Parents need to teach their children not to ignore teasing and teach them verbal defense techniques.

I am doing better sticking up for myself and seeking allies when I need to.

Keep banging your head!! I know that I have days where I’m just totally burned out, and just don’t want to deal with the issues that I know are out there, but if we don’t, if each of us don’t strive to make a difference, who will? When I have those days, I get contacted once again by another Survivor or Victim, and what they are going through, and their pain and anguish get me going again, as do their victories!

I applaud you for speaking out, for it’s only by speaking out in many different formats are we ever going to affect change….

I went to a private school within the Roman Catholic Church, and of course attended church within the Roman Catholic Church as well. I no longer do as an adult, yet have found a more open Christian congregation instead. But, going through the RCC, and seeing what they do, how they treat people, what they expect, I never want to go to that kind of church again. I can’t say if it’s the Roman Catholic Faith, or just the church I went too, but it was enough for me to not want to go to another. Years later as an adult, after numerous DV relationships, I heard on the news about the 4 Roman Catholic priests that were on trial for molesting their alter boys. My brother had been one of the 4 priests alter boys! I knew Father Bava! This shattered my already thin faith badly, and it took me years on top of my other issues with my faith because of my abuse to be able to work on my faith.

My son was bullied badly in schools. He is a sponge, just wanted everyone to like him, afraid to speak up for himself, and of course didn’t tell me he was being bullied. It came to a point that a friend that lived across the street and went to the same school on the same bus came over and told us that he was being hit, kicked in the groin, choked, called names, and whatever other thing the bullies could think of doing. He didn’t want us to know, because he was afraid of not only the bullies, but of being taken out of school. When going to the school to talk to the principal to see if this issue could be resolved, with a list of names of who was doing the bullying (given by his friend who knew them all, small town) the principal wanted my son to go into the classroom with him, point out the bullies, then go into another room and have a discussion with them. This showed me that he had no idea how to handle this issue, and would have only made it worse on my son in school. I now homeschool him, and teaching him that he does NOT deserve to be treated in that fashion by anyone! He’s afraid to go back to school, or youth groups, or anything of the such because he’s afraid he’s going to get bullied again (and goes into tears if I tell him he’s going to do something with other children). He does do youth group now, but is afraid to make friends because he doesn’t want to be hurt again. I fear that if I don’t get him out of this, he may end up being abused as an adult, something Mommy will be watching out for and helping to handle if an issue.

My thing is, that I call bullying in the schools abuse. It’s abuse in the schools, for being a DV Survivor as well, I see many parallels between adult abusers and childhood abusers, and feel that childhood abusers will become our adult abusers as well. If we do NOT teach these children that have abusive tendencies while in school and still young, they will be our next generation of abusers. In talking with Survivors, many of them know that their abusers were bullies in school. Many of their abusers have had issues fitting in. We DO have a chance with our younger generation to help ensure that the next generation of abusers are stopped before starting.

I believe that the whole ordeal was a test. If I submitted to the pastor and lost myself I would be giving up my control over myself and giving it to him. I would be happy to put any crowns I have at Jesus’ feet, but certainly not at the feet of any mere mortal, much less a bastard at that.

I agree with that statement. Somehow a large part of me has always been concerned with justice and fairness. I wonder if that is something that controllers and abusers ever think about. I think that they are more interested in their own private worlds where they are in control vs. reality where they are faced with their own inadequacy. Justice is never served when they are served.