As Iron Sharpens Iron jamesfive19.com/blog
discussing spiritual deception, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse and domestic violence

The original article is too long to post at the blog, it is posted at http://jamesfive19.com/MaslowDomesticAbuse.html. Feel free to comment on it here at the blog.

A lot of people around here have heard redneck jokes, some of them are pretty good, I think.

Here are a few:

You’re a redneck if… you mow your yard and find a few rusty cars you thought you’d lost.

You’re a redneck if… you were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.

You’re a redneck if… you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You’re a redneck if… you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Being a redneck, otherwise known as a hillbilly, a backwoodsman or hinterlander, is more than just the appearance or apparent run-down lifestyle. It could also be taken to mean that someone is not only rough outside, but is rough inside as well. To be fair, I have known some people that were not well educated nor cultivated, but would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. They were only rough on the outside, but made of gold on the inside. I wouldn’t call them true rednecks. I think that it is a little known fact that true rednecks can be well-off and can seem to be cultivated, well-mannered and respectable, yet are not that way at all on the inside.

Jesus got on the case of the well-educated, respected pharisees for being whitewashed tombs, clean on the outside and disgusting on the inside.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

Matthew 23:27,28

In the same way, a redneck might not appear to be one on the outside - but is a redneck on the inside under the silk suit or cultivated facade. Controllers/abusers - an increasing theme on this website - are rednecks, no matter how much money they have or how cultivated they try to appear. They may be able to keep up the facade in a specific environment, like in public, but this mask may drop when they come home to their families or when they feel that they have isolated someone enough to be able to manipulate them in private. They may be someone like Dr. Jekyll in public, but like Mr. Hyde in private.

See some recent blogs for a detailed list or just do a google on domestic abuse, power and control.

This is my own little list of redneck behaviors based on personal observation, but they are not so funny if you have to live through them.

You’re a (disguised) redneck if you wear a suit and tie to work and get a good salary, but…

…you make your kids get up to clean their rooms after they have gone to bed.

…you beat on the door and curse when you come home because the door is locked for security reasons. Strangely enough you are too lazy to use the keys in your hand.

…you cuss in front of family, including your children, especially when they can’t just leave the room.

…you get so hopping mad that you literally hop around in your underwear while cursing and making threatening gestures (this was kind of funny).

…you elbow your daughter in the face, show no concern whatsoever, and say it was her fault.

…you kick your daughter for trying to help.

…you enjoy seeing your wife cry because of something mean you have said to her.

…you get your jollies from bullying your wife and kids.

…you get hysterical, yell at your wife and kids, and ransack the house looking for a bunch of
keys in the morning, or whatever else you’ve lost. This happens a lot.

…you like the sound of your own voice so much that your kids would leave the dinner table rather than interrupt you and ask you to pass the juice to quench their thirst. They would rather go thirsty than get yelled at.

…you won’t discuss important matters at normal hours of the day and deprive your wife of sleep on purpose just to get back at her for realizing that you are a redneck. You’ve done this more than once.

…it takes you months to stop making nasty comments about your wife forgetting to tape a tv show that no one will care about in even two years.

…you’re trying to turn your son into a redneck just like yourself while teaching him to hide it and lie to himself about it at the same time.

…you threaten to kill your wife and children, but deny it because you think you are a respectable person and respectable people don’t threaten to do such things.

…you grab your wife by the hair, throw her against the wall, then on the ground and beat her in front of the children.

…and most especially if you only did these things at home on purpose and were pretty good at hiding this kind of behavior in public, since people that are cultivated don’t do these kinds of things - at least they don’t get caught doing them. Only rednecks get caught doing such things. Keeping up appearances is everything.

As funny as the redneck jokes are, it isn’t the old baseball hat, car motor in the livingroom, six-pack culture, or roadkill for dinner that makes a redneck, it is what is inside of a person, causing them to behave in a controlling and abusive manner. Those that habitually manipulate and abuse others, whether verbally, spiritually, physically or sexually are the real rednecks. Some of them just have a great disguise with those suits and ties. They may even have all sorts of diplomas and PhDs to help with the disguise. It isn’t bad to wear a suit, as long as your clean-cut character fits that clean-cut look. It isn’t bad to have a diploma if you apply the knowledge you have gained to improve your character and quality of relationships for all concerned.

I don’t care what someone looks like on the outside, even if they do look like rednecks, as long as they are not rednecks on the inside. I won’t have anything to do with someone who is a redneck on the inside. I never wanted to know such people and regret having gotten mixed up with one, even marrying one and having children with him. The disguise actually worked when we got married and through the first years of marriage. As soon as the children arrived, possibly even when I was pregnant, the redneck behavior started slowly, but surely. There are ways to find out what the signs of a redneck are before the relationship gets deep, sometimes the signs are subtle, but if you know what they are and look for them in those you have relationships with, then you may be able to avoid making bad decisions.

See a previous blog entry of mine: Warning signs of Domestic Violence based on a sheet given to me at a local shelter for victims of domestic violence.

Look at information about domestic violence, power and control that I have published on this site and gather information and learn as much as you can about it from any source you can, so that you don’t get mixed up with the real rednecks. Don’t get fooled by clean-cut appearances. There might be a redneck behind any clean-cut facade.

Considering the current primaries for presidential elections, that might be something you want to consider before you vote for any candidate. I’d suggest weeding out those rednecks first no matter how nice their manners are and how nice that package looks…looks can be deceiving.

Be discerning.

This is the first of twelve posts based on literature I received at a local shelter serving victims of domestic abuse. I will be adding some information based on my own experience with domestic abuse. I have been given permission to post this material, but will not disclose the source because I am currently making use of their services. Disclosing their location at this moment might put myself and my children in danger.
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WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Domestic Violence is not consensual. It is a pattern of behavior used by an individual to establish and maintain coercive control over his intimate partner. Domestic violence consists of physical, sexual, psychological, and/or emotional abuse. Over time the abusive behavior becomes more frequent and severe. Acts of domestic violence are committed by adults and adolescents.

DOES ABUSE HAPPEN ONLY TO CERTAIN PEOPLE?

Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence.

Those who survive are rich, poor, young, old, educated, un-educated, from every ethnic background, occupation and religion.

WHAT IS THE CYCLE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

PHASE 1: TENSION BUILDS
- There may be constant arguing or the “silent treatment” that can last for hours, days and even years. Verbal abuse is present in this phase. See other articles on this site about verbal abuse.

PHASE 2: PHYSICAL VIOLENCE OCCURS
- Hitting, kicking, biting, sexual violence can last from minutes to days. Violence stops when the victim leaves, police are called, the abuser realizes what he is doing is wrong or has reached the level of fulfullment he was seeking and has relieved his tension. The violence may stop because medical attention is needed or because the tension has somehow been reduced.

PHASE 3: “HONEYMOON”
- The abuser acts loving and apologetic. He begs for forgiveness, promises it will never happen again, offers to “do” whatever it takes to resume the relationship. The abuser often knows that the abuse will happen again. When they are forgiven they and the victim share a false belief that the problem is over.

THIS TENSION WILL EVENTUALLY END, AND THE TENSION WILL SLOWLY BUILD AGAIN.

Characteristics of the cycle of abuse:

1. INCREASED FREQUENCY
The more times the cycle is completed, the less time it takes to complete.

2. INCREASED SEVERITY
The longer the cycle when uninterrupted, the worse the violence gets.

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VICTIM — OR SURVIVOR?

Those who live in homes where abuse happens as well as those who have gotten free from abuse are brave and skillful in their survival.

When the term “victim” is used, it is usually to remind that domestic violence is a crime.

“Survivor” reminds that the person attacked is not responsible for the abuse, but has the ability to overcome and thrive.

____________________________________________________________________________

- You have the right to be you

- You have the right to put yourself first

- You have the right to be safe

- You have the right to love and be loved

- You have the right to be treated with respect

- You have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT

- You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone

- You have the right to your own privacy

- You have the right to your own opinions, to express them and be taken seriously

- You have the right to earn and control your own money

- You have the right to ask questions and be informed about anything that affects your life

- You have the right to make decisions that affect you

- You have the right to grow and change (and that includes changing your mind)

- You have the right to say NO

- You have the right to make mistakes

- You have the right NOT to be responsible for other adult’s problems

- You have the right not to be liked by everyone

- YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE AND TO CHANG IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS

Exercise done in group:

Which of these statements above makes the most impression on you and why?

Feel free to answer that question as a response to this blog entry.

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DEFINING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

1 Any act carried out with the Intention or Perceived Intention of physically or psychologically hurting another person (Slapping, threatening, kicking, beating): acting with or characterized by strong physical force.

2. The Abuser is related to or acquainted with the Victim.

3. Victims of domestic violence included spouses (predominantly women), intimate partners, children, siblings, and the elderly.

4. Whether the abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, the destruction of property and/or pets, or interference with the victim’s personal liberty, all are done without concern for the physical or mental well being of the victim. Regardless of which form occurs in a relationship, it is violence.
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PHYSICAL ABUSE
Is the most obvious to identify. It includes pushing, shoving, slapping, punching, kicking, biting, choking, and pinching. Other types of physical assault include abandonment, subjecting a person to reckless driving, forcing a person off the road, refusal to get help when a person is sick or injured, and threats or use of an object or weapon against a person.

SEXUAL ABUSE
Includes forced sexual activity, as well as excessive jealousy and sexual accusations. Sexual assault often starts with demeaning victims through jokes, name calling and unwanted touching. Sometimes the victims will not realize that they have been sexually abused. Victims submit to their partner’s sexual demands because they don’t feel they have a “RIGHT” to refuse and it is easier to give in and be left alone. Some victims fear serious repercussions if they refuse.

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
Extends beyond emotional or verbal abuse. The inducement of fear is greater in the victim due to the fact that threats of violence in the past have been accompanied by at least one episode of physical abuse. It includes making threats against an individual or her/his family, forcing the individual to do degrading things, verbally attacking, or belittling and controlling an individual’s behavior. This also includes threats to remove, conceal and harm the children if the victim leaves.

SOCIAL ABUSE
Keeps the victim isolated from friends and family. Victims are often not allowed to use the phone or go anywhere alone. They are dependent on the abuser for all social contacts: consequently there is nowhere to go when a beating occurs. Many victims live like prisoners in their own homes. For example: abusers may check the odometer on the car before and after a trip.

FINANCIAL ABUSE
Begins with the abuser’s complete control of the household finances. Victims who work might be forced to turn their paychecks over to the abuser, and are allotted little money or no money at all. By placing all assets (checking/savings accounts, cars, homes/leases) in the abuser’s name only, the victim is then financially independent on the abuser, with no ready cash to get away. Putting only the abuser’s name on utilities and charge accounts also denies the victim access to credit.

This blog entry is not quite finished, it will include the Wheel of Power and Control (that might be something to google) and some other pertinent information.

Don’t stay with a controller/abuser until it is too late. Wake up and recognize that the flowers are just a guise, that he doesn’t really love you if he mistreats you, no matter how often he says it. The dynamics of abusive relationships are not like the dynamics of normal relationships. The same rules don’t apply. Abusers/controllers have their own set of rules that victims and onlookers don’t know about. Understand that he is not for you, he is against you.

This may sound chilling, but he may never have been for you. There are many ways to deceive a woman other than giving her flowers. You may have been duped from the start of your relationship with him. A lot of men say what they think women want to hear, but when these words come from a potential abuser, they will be intended not only to impress, but to deceive. Abusers are out on the prowl for potential victims even before they meet and identify them. Abusers look for certain qualities in their victims…

-the victim has experienced abuse before.

-the victim is patient and forgiving, she is likely to tolerate much abuse before realizing it or reacting to it. The victim will probably not make demands or will be easily persuaded not to make them.

-the victim is often younger than the abuser and will most certainly be naive, at least where social aspects of life are concerned.

-the victim often has a lower level of education than the abuser.

-the victim often earns less than the abuser - he may want to keep her poor and dependent upon himself for money and shelter. If she earns money or earns more than he does he may confiscate her paycheck to control the money.

-the victim often comes from a culture or sub-culture that sees women as inferior or subservient to men. Many churches teach women to submit to men yet do not teach men how to behave. Even if they do try to teach proper behavior, how many men really hear and apply those sermons to their lives? How many churches really care if men mistreat their wives or not? How many just look away or even support such abuse? How many really understand that the dynamics of abusive relationships are not like normal relationships and must be dealt with completely differently (forgiving and forgetting could be fatal).

-the victim is willing to go far away from home, family, and the support of friends so that they can be more easily controlled.

Control and abuse is often SYSTEMATIC. You may be living with a controller/abuser without knowing it. If you don’t believe me, just start writing down everything that he says. Read Controlling People by Patricia Evans. Analyze what he says using the statements in the book. If they are not exact, compare them and see if they are the same kinds of statements. You may be shocked at how often and in how many ways he tries to manipulate you and your feelings.

Are you often walking on eggshells afraid that he will blow up if you say or do something “wrong?” What happens if you show any signs of individuality, does he get angry? Does he only behave rudely and meanly to you (and your children)? Is he generally nice to other people or sugar sweet to you only in public? Has he gone so far as to make scenes in public? Has he threatened to kill your children? Has he threatened to kill you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is very likely that you are with an abuser. Take measures to inform yourself what you should do to get away from that dangerous person.

Too many have died because…

-they were not informed, they didn’t know they could escape. GET INFORMED! CALL A LOCAL SHELTER.

-they were afraid to call the police. Call EVERY TIME he hits you, kicks you, hurts the children. CALL EVERY TIME he even threatens you. I didn’t call every time he threatened me and didn’t call the first few times he hurt me, not even the first few times he hurt the children. The longer the paper trail, the more you will have against him in court.

-they were afraid to leave because he threatened to do something if they would. YOU CAN LEAVE!

-they thought his anger was their fault and if they could change then he would change. HIS ANGER IS NOT YOUR FAULT and it is highly likely he will ever change.

-they thought that the situation would improve if he had less stress, went to anger management. Stress can worsen abusive behavior, BUT THE CAUSE IS USUALLY FOUND IN CHILDHOOD and is not something that is easily fixed. Anger management rarely changes abusers and won’t change someone with mental issues. ABUSE ALMOST ALWAYS GETS WORSE.

-they thought they were alone. What about your relatives and friends? If they are too conspicuous, too easy for the abuser to find, go to a shelter. Shelters will often pick you up directly from the police station so that you don’t have to even go to their public access point where the abuser might be waiting to assault you. USE THE TELEPHONE. USE THE INTERNET. CALL A SHELTER. Tell your doctor, your clergyman, the neighbors. Report EVERY incidence of abuse against you or anyone else. TELL ANYONE AND EVERYONE YOU CAN!

-they threatened to leave. ABUSERS USUALLY GET MORE VIOLENT WHEN THEY THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO LEAVE. Don’t give him any sign that you are leaving. Keep your mouth shut about it - especially to people that might tell him if they knew. This might mean not telling your mother-in-law, sister-in-law, mutual friends, those that you know are against the idea of separation or divorce… and don’t tell children - they can’t keep a secret.

-they were not prepared. GET PREPARED - PLAN AHEAD. No matter how often he has called you, “Stupid…incompetent…silly…idiot,” you are none of those things. He only told you those things to be able to use you and control you. Wasn’t that mean? He lied to you the whole time about yourself. You ARE worth getting out of that situation, you ARE smart enough to do it. USE YOUR HEAD! YOU CAN DO IT!

I’m one of the lucky ones that did make it out in time. I didn’t let the flowers fool me or any monologues or excuses either. I didn’t want to be dead, I didn’t want my children to die. I hope you get out in time too.

I received this list of warning signs from a local shelter and have added a few points of my own from listening to other women in domestic abuse situations or from signs that I have personally observed in a personal relationship. Here are some points to remember:

- Domestic abuse or any other kind of abuse does not need drugs or alcohol as a catalyst. Abuse can happen without the presence of drugs or alcohol.

- Domestic abuse can happen in any domestic environment whether poor, middle-class or wealthy.

- Domestic abuse has nothing to do with intelligence or education. Abusers and victims alike can be uneducated, possess doctorate degrees, or be anywhere inbetween. They can be “nobodies” or be prominent, influential, powerful and even respected individuals in a community or in society.

Physical or sexual violence may occur without warning. Sometimes, however, there may be signs or “red-flags” that serve as warnings that abuse may occur. The following are some examples of a person’s behavior or personality that might warn that a person may abuse. If you answer yes to one or more of the questions, you may be in an abusive relationship or be at risk for it. It is recommended that you speak with a domestic violence counselor at your local shelter about your “yes” answers.

____ Does your partner tease you in a hurtful way in private or in public (this is verbal abuse)?

____ Does your partner call you names such as “stupid” or “bitch” (this is verbal abuse)?

____ Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, co-workers or customers?

____ Does your partner make fun of or criticize you, your friends, your family, your religion, your country, your activities and interests (this is verbal abuse)?

____ Does your partner get angry about the clothes you wear or how you style your hair or make-up?

____ Does your partner check on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to?

____ Does your partner insist on doing everything with you or going with you whenever you
go out?

____ Does your partner forbid you to leave the house without him?

____ Does your partner forbid you to work outside the house for whatever reason?

____ Does your partner collect your paycheck?

____ Does your partner keep most of the money and give you only an allowance, not giving you access to his bank account (if you are married this really should ring those alarm bells)?

____ Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone? Does he always have to be listening if you are on the phone?

____ Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad moods?

____ Has your partner verbally or physically threatened to hit you?

____ Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you are “walking on eggshells”?

____ Have you lost friends or no longer see friends or family because of your partner?

____ Has your partner isolated you by moving to an area away from your friends and family?

____ Are all of your friends your partner’s friends too? Are you in a situation where you have no friends of your own that are only your friends and not your partner’s friends as well? Has your partner manoeuvered himself into your relationships with your friends?

____ Does your partner accuse you of being interested in someone else?

____ When you meet with others, does your partner monopolize conversations, not letting you speak up much or at all? Does your partner insist on speaking for the both of you?

____ Does your partner take your personal belongings or documents and keep them in order to keep you from leaving or to make you do something you do not want to do?

____ Does your partner dare you to do things you would not normally do?

____ Does your partner challenge you to prove your love or loyalty?

____ Has your partner given you ultimatums and deadlines to “straighten things out” and threatened to take some kind of action if you don’t?

____ Does your partner “punish” you in some way for not being “good enough”?

____ Does your partner “punish” himself if you don’t do as he asks?

____ Has your partner threatened to kill your children, himself or yourself if you leave?

____ Does your partner force you to have sex when you do not want to?

____ Does your partner force you to have sex in ways that you do not want to?

____ Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you?

____ Does your partner drink or use drugs? Does he use them as an excuse to do other things on this list?

____ Does your partner insist that you drink with him or use drugs with him?

____ Has your partner ever deprived you of sleep until you see things his way or to “punish” you for something?

____ Is your partner like “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” acting one way in front of other people and another way when you are alone?

____ Does your partner have chronic low self-esteem? Does he often have pity parties where you are supposed to pep him up? Have you noticed that this consoling has little or no effect in the long run?

____ Has your partner ever told you of violence or abuse in his family?

I was viewing the second video from Jeff VanVonderen on his site.

Lecture 2: The Abusive Religious System

One of the issues he addressed was the Can’t Talk Rule.

He said that unwritten rule comes to the surface when the person that addresses a problem becomes the problem to those that created the problem.

In a problem situation, many people pretend that everything is ok. They don’t address problems, they like to keep them under the table or in the drawers where no one else sees them. Most people are afraid to make waves by calling others out when they behave badly or dishonestly.

In a church this would be maintaining a resemblance of agreement and Christian unity even though there may be conflict or even corruption. People are expected to keep quiet about it lest someone might notice that they are not unified, that they are not perfect. They are afraid they will give God a bad image if they don’t hide the truth. But Jesus never hid any truth, he is the Truth.

This does not only concern spiritual abuse, but can be evident in any other form of abuse as well. A Can’t Talk Rule also can exist where domestic abuse is involved. Indeed, even in cases of battering, the abused women try to hide welts and bruises and lie about how they got their injuries to protect the abuser. The stigma of an imperfect marriage (or embarrassment at having to admit to making a bad choice of marriage partners) may cause others to hide, dismiss or diminish verbal and emotional abuse as well.

In families where one person abuses another, everyone often works to hide the abuse - that is why it can go on for years before it is exposed. A physically abused child or wife may say they “fell down the stairs” or “fell and hit the edge of the table.” These things do happen, but these excuses should not be used to hide abuse. The abuser tries to keep a clean facade toward others on the outside that are not supposed to know about the abuse. He may be a charming person or at least pretend to be jovial outside the home when he is a tyrant at home.

Even within the family, the image might be kept up that everything is ok. If verbal abuse is involved, the abuser is never challenged when he makes abusive comments. Everyone quickly tries to forget what was said because it is taboo to mention it, and is shocked when the next abusive comment comes. The abused think it was their fault that the abuser had to say such a thing (like “You don’t know what you are talking about” or “You’re stupid”), the abuser lays the blame for his words and actions on those around him. And everyone accepts that - they accept the blame for his behavior on themselves. The same goes for physical abuse. The abuser says, “I was provoked” or “I was under stress” or “She made me do it.” If anyone speaks up against the abuse, they are accused of making waves. But the fact is the waves were already there - since everyone was supporting a lie, denying the abuse. Exposing the lie, the abuse, is only shedding the light of truth on them, which is what no abuser wants.

But scripture says differently. God holds everyone to be responsible for his own actions.

Parents are not to be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their parents; each of you will die for your own sin. Deuteronomy 24:16.

If it is true that I have gone astray, my error remains my concern alone. Job 19:4.

Instead, everyone will die for their own sin; whoever eats sour grapes—their own teeth will be set on edge. Jeremiah. 31:30. This passage addresses the far future, but since Jesus has died and risen, despite grace, we are still responsible for our own actions. We cannot blame another for our own sin.

The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him. Ezekiel. 18:20.

Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. Romans. 14:4.

If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. Galatians. 6:3-5.

Abusers don’t want to take the blame for their own actions, but turn everything around 180° and blame those that expose them for causing problems. Sadly enough, though I have taken care of my plank first in counseling before addressing his plank, my husband has accused me of causing waves in our relationship for drawing his attention to his abuse of myself and my children - and drawing the attention of others that would hold him accountable for it. I broke the Can’t Talk Rule and am now being blamed for it. There really is nothing new under the sun. Such blaming has been taking place ever since there was abuse, ever since there were people.

Are you looking for testimonies on spiritual abuse through control in the church? My husband and I have been members of the same church for 32 years. We were victimized by a combination of “church transitioning” into the Purpose Driven Church movement and the influence of dominionism through the Religious Right. The two movements seem to go hand-in-hand. The control element is carefully hidden, but it IS there. The church is called a theocracy, which is most cases means that the pastor and a small, select circle within the church rule like royalty. Pastors no longer have time for rank-and-file members of the church. The same pastor who never spoke a word to me when my father died in 2005, wanted to come to our home to “talk to me” on the matter of something personal I had written. Someone asked my permission to put it on their website. It took four days for this to get to the pastor. I refused permission, walked out, and never went back. Some of the ugliest scenes I have ever witnessed were in church business meetings and there was and still no doubt is, a pretty thorough “spy system” in place. I had sent an Email to someone whom I thought was a friend who was on the church staff at one time. They moved out of town. This person sent the Email which was about my concerns with what was going on, back to the pastor.

A dear Christian friend of mine who had been in the church 42 years, has been turned into an emotional wreck because of the treatment she received. She was insulted and verbally assaulted on numerous occasions. She was summoned into the pastors office for “discipline” because of two sentences in that dangerous Email of mine and told that she and I had been “gossipping about the church.” My husband and I personally saw and heard her verbally ripped to shreds by the pastor in a church business meeting. People, however, attacked her, including the pastor’s wife. She got hate mail. Now she is an emotional mess, no longer attending any church, depressed, and spending a good deal of her time wandering back and forth between Texas and her daughter in Arkansas. Our particular treatment was shunning, being ostracized and frozen out until the pastor discovered that I knew how to write.

The church was also immersed in politics. There was more talk about political issues than the Word of God. Anyone who did not totally agree soon learned to keep quiet. It has been my personal experience that some of the most mean-spirited, self-righteous, downright hateful people I have ever met are politically conservative right-wing “Christipublicans.” This has even caused a serious rift in our family, outside the influence of this church. There is an attitude of “I’ve got mine. If you don’t have what you need, it must be because you’re evil and lazy and God doesn’t like you.”

There is a definite plan in place to get rid of dissenters. I have personally heard stories from people across the country who have been threatened with the police if they come back to a church, told that they had to stand before the church and publically confess their supposed sin to remain, lied about and vilified, threatened with law suits, shunned by people who had known them for years.

I refused to be bullied and controlled by a preacher 20 years younger than I, who refuses to even speak to me unless he thinks I need “discipline.” My problem is that my husband of 35 years refuses to leave this church. I find it maddening, but there’s nothing I can do. He has a right to be where he wants to be. He wanders in occasionally on Sunday morning and warms a seat for an hour. I think it’s more habit than spirituality. The idea of going to another organized church makes me feel physically ill with dread. I’ve suffered too much spiritual abuse. Once you’ve broken free of prison, you aren’t anxious to return. All the churches in our area are either Spanish language, Jehovah’s Witness, Mormon, etc., or PDC churches and people here in our area don’t invite other people to church unless they’re young, upwardly mobile, and ready to fall into the correct mode of thinking. My husband and I are older (58 and 63), my husband is physically disabled and we have financial needs. I run a small internet business to try and supplement our income. We are not members of the Republican Party and we know how to think for ourselves, although my husband was raised a Southern Baptist which makes him more amenable to all this and less apt to speak out.

God alone knows the suffering we have been through because of this, but I am 58 years old. How much longer can I live anyway? Our son isn’t all that nice to us and our daughter-in-law despises me. We haven’t been able to see our grandchildren in over a year. We live on an income below the federal poverty level in a house with no heat or air conditioning (in Texas), our living room ceiling is caved in and part of the roof is about to go at any moment, plus no hot water or running water in the kitchen. I have no medical insurance and we have no life insurance. This life here on earth is very, very hard for us and we are very much isolated and alone, but I have learned to accept it and look for my reward in heaven, so I just keep telling our story and trying to talk to people and warn them about these false movements that are leading people down the road to hell, praying to God for wisdom and strength, removing myself into the presence of the Lord when things get too painful, looking upward and saying “Come quickly, Lord Jesus.”

I hope you will find some value in the words of our story. God bless you.

A Sister In Christ,

Freida McAninch

Freida has requested that I publish her testimony - Carmen Brill.

I found much value in Freida’s testimony and hope that others benefit from it as well. I also have had disagreements with Christians of a different political bent, my views were even called sinful and anti-biblical, though I try to follow scripture as best I can. I feel that no political party deserves loyalty, because no political party can claim to be from God, they are purely human affairs that can never hope to reach what Jesus will with his kingdom when he returns. I agree with the author that a dominionist stance seems to be popular in certain Christian groups that is rather harming the Church than helping it.

Furthermore Freida wrote: “I can handle new forms of worship, but not bullying. Things weren’t so bad as long as I kept quiet. My husband doesn’t like what’s going on either, but says I just want to stir up trouble, but something has just risen up in my spirit that makes me want to fight back.”

I fully understand Freida’s attitude. She used to be obeying the “Can’t Talk Rule” as Jeff VanVonderen describes it in his book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. He also contains this information in an online video: Lecture 2: The Abusive Religious System. He said that althought there may not be a fixed rule not to address certain subjects in a church, there is often an unwritten rule not to do so. The “Can’t Talk Rule” can exist in many other kinds of situations. The person that openly addresses a problem is seen as the problem instead of the problem itself.

From the perspective of pastor, Van Vonderen uses the illustration in his video of what would happen if he would hit a woman. The woman then goes to the police and as a result he gets thrown in jail. Who was at fault, him for hitting the woman or the woman for speaking up? In front of God he would have been at fault for hurting someone. He would be at fault according to the legal system as well. If she had not spoken up he might have hurt her again and again and perhaps others as well. But the church he serves might blame her for shedding a bad light on the pastor and therefore on the congregation. They might try to sweep the incident under the rug to avoid embarassment. If the woman could not be coerced into silence, she might be ostracized to prevent a “catastrophe.” This would be unjust because she was only testifying to a truth and an injustice that already existed, a catastrophe that already happened. She was not the problem.

Testifying to the truth is not purposely stirring up trouble, it is doing what Jesus did to the Pharisees and what Paul said he would do to all those that were trying to put themselves off as Apostles and assuming false authority. He did what he could to expose them, as Jesus exposed the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. The truth did not leave us after Paul did or after Jesus ascended. Testifying to the truth and any injustice present in the Church is something that no Christian should neglect, it is carrying on God’s work rather than suppressing it. Jesus did not obey the “Can’t Talk Rule” since it never came from himself, and we don’t have to
either.

I have come to some more conclusions about my behavior and the pastor’s behavior concerning my testimony of spiritual abuse made in 2004. Concerning my behavior, it is about something that I did not consciously know at the time, but might have unconsciously. This unconscious knowledge may have already led me to research the harmful behavior, control and skewed relationships that exist in a cultic environment before I was spiritually abused. Furthermore, I think that the initial letter I wrote to the pastor was not only a cry of grief because I felt rejected by him. It might have also been a result of the loneliness and oppression I felt in a marital relationship that had already become toxic through verbal abuse. For the record I am the victim, not the abuser. When the pastor implied in his second letter (numbered 4) that I had no one, did not belong to one of God’s visible families, he was right. I really had next to no one for Christian companionship, nor even non-Christian companionship, not even my husband. My children were too small to be proper companions and I could not reasonably expect that of them. I was almost completely alone, at least as far as support from other people was concerned with the exception of the two Christian friends that encouraged and supported me after I was spiritually abused, and God was always with me. I needed Christian companionship more than anything else I thought, that was why I went to that church to find it, and that was why the rejection I experienced and felt was so great and went so deeply.

I said that my husband did not share the same faith, but I was trying to be kind with that statement, there was and is a difference between us that is more than that. I have just recently begun to realize how great the difference is after going to counseling and reading Bold Love by Allender and Longman (discussed elsewhere on the site) as well as Controlling People and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. In Controlling People she describes, simplified of course, two possible realities, two ways of seeing relationships.

One is called Personal Power and contains the ideas of mutuality and co-creation. 1. That entails approaching other individuals as equals and with good will, even a willingness to help them. This attitude gives the person that has it a feeling of power, not because he dominates someone else, but because he empowers others. From a Christian perspective, we would be letting God’s power work through us to let others experience it and believe in God also. As a Christian one is supported by God’s strength while in relationship with him and shows others the way to an empowering relationship with him through attitude and action. Patricia Evans equates the Personal Power model to one way of approaching relationships; she calls this Reality II.

The other possible way of approaching relationships that Evans describes is called the Power Over model or Reality I. It entails the use of control and dominance as methods to feel powerful. This kind of power does not empower another, it weakens the other and makes the controller feel powerful because he dominates another. People that think in Reality I mode are abusers in one way or another. Such an attitude could not be described as Christian, though I have heard of and witnessed such people in Christian environments.

Furthermore Evans describes the persons that are often involved in abusive relationships, specifically verbally abusive relationships. She mentions that both typically have low self-esteem because both grew up in a Reality I environment, what many would call dysfunctional or abusive. The difference would be that the victim resides in Reality II with the typically low self-esteem associated with Reality I. The victim has at some point had validation of their earlier experience of abuse, a sympathetic person that showed them what they suffered was wrong and that there is a better way of approaching others than being abusive. The abuser, however, is firmly entrenched in Reality I, likely because no one showed sympathy for him or showed him that his feelings of grief and anger were justified. Such a sympathetic person would be called a “sympathetic witness.” 2.

At least I have found the explanation for why my emotions were so hefty after I was held at arm’s length. Unknowingly, I was suffering greatly under the oppression of my husband, who, mentally speaking, was in Reality I and was opposed to me even though I tried to approach him from the point of view of Reality II. It was exactly the opposite of what the pastor expressed as his thoughts in letter number 4, “If this is the attitude you have with your husband I do not marvel that “your” faith does not appeal to him!” I do admit that I have not always behaved with decorum when my husband yelled at me, put me down, even kicked me. But for many years I really did my best to console him in his depression and tried to support him when he needed it. I rarely yelled back or behaved impulsively. Unfortunately, not recognizing the real problem prevented me from taking the appropriate measures to really help my husband. And once I knew what the problem was, after I had been spiritually abused and had done research on abuse and abusers, my husband blocked all of my attempts to help him. Many, many times I forgave him and tried to minister to him (not witness to him though I did that in the past), but to no avail. The last time that I pulled myself together and meekly held out the olive branch and tried to give him the address card of a psychologist he could visit “for the sake of the children,” he threatened to kill the children. That blocked off all attempts to mend the relationship and sadly and necessarily made me think about the need to protect the children from their own father.

The spiritual abuse itself did bring some advantages. As I mentioned in another addition, it made me realize that I was not absolutely alone, that God was there and always had been. I was able to turn to him more fully and depend on him more than before. It made me thankful for the things that he had taught me already, even without a local church congregation to support me. My reaction to the abuse showed me that I had some personal issues to work on and had to curb my emotions that were getting out of my control due to the abusive situation at home. The emotions themselves were not wrong, they never were, only the way I dealt with them. I had to realize that suffering can be a channel through which God can teach something. Suffering does not equal punishment. God never punishes his children, he disciplines them. Often suffering is not even a form of discipline, it is just an unfortunate result of our having to live in a sin-tainted world. As God’s child, no matter what I may have done, I did not deserve the demeaning remarks that the pastor wrote to me, nor does anything I did justify his behavior. If he had apologized as I already had, there would have been a way to reconcile. Perhaps the situation might not have been as it was before everything happened, but the damage to myself and perhaps himself could have been lessened. If the pastor had apologized immediately for rebuking me, then I think that very much hurt could have been avoided. Even now he still could apologize for his behavior and seek reconciliation, that would give the situation a sense of closure, maybe for both of us. In a Christian relationship, even repentance and forgiveness are not the end, but only the beginning of reconciliation. Only after that is completed, I think, will God’s will have been fully done. I would like to follow his will completely, but just as I am blocked from doing anything to remedy the home relationship by my husband, I am also blocked from completing God’s will by the pastor.

Sometime last fall I did send the pastor a package containing a copy of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Johnson and VanVonderen, to help him realize that he has been abusive. I wanted to see if he would realize what he has done to me and contact me directly in an attempt to reconcile. I had to send the book anonymously, because I promised someone to do this. She was against the idea, saying that it would probably be of no use, that the pastor would be too blind to see the truth. She was afraid that he would try to retaliate against me if I would send it openly, controlling people can sometimes react that way, you never know. Until now there has been no response. Not every relational problem can be solved as completely as God teaches, if one person is not willing to comply to what God commands in scripture.

There is another advantage that the spiritual abuse brought. Partially because of that I realized that my husband was not a friend as I had supposed, but actually against me, an enemy. I think that it might have been after I had attempted to tell him the whole story about the spiritual abuse some time after it had happened. I read him part of the letter I wrote to the pastor. I was intending to read the whole letter, but my husband continually stopped me to comment and I was never able to finish. I was showing my heart to my husband as I had not completely done as the spiritual abuse took place. His complete lack of sympathy was an obvious symptom of a large problem. A loving husband would have shown at least some sympathy even though he might not completely understand the situation. A loving husband cares for his wife and is genuinely concerned about her feelings. But my husband did what an abuser does, what the pastor did to me, and blamed me for the situation. He said that if I was that stupid to go to such a small church (for him small churches are cultic) then I deserved what happened to me! I had no emotional support or even sympathy from my own husband. That was one hard blow.

Later he had insulted me at some time and I was crying. As I looked through my tears, I saw him smiling! He was gloating over my sadness! It was then that I realized that he did not care for me as a husband should care for a wife. I realized that he had wanted to hurt me on purpose and was pleased with the fact that he had done it. He was no loving friend, but a hateful enemy disguised as a husband. This did not cause me to hate him. I still loved him (Matthew 5:43).

It was then that I made a greater effort to find a counselor and I managed to find a biblical counselor; internet friends had told me that such counseling had helped them. I was afraid that he would tell me to look only at my own behavior and correct that - then everything would fall into place. He did help me look into my own heart and start to deal with what I found there, but he also validated my feelings, telling me that my husband’s attitude toward myself was completely wrong, that he was being abusive and foolish. He recommended Bold Love by Allender and Longman and helped me come up with a plan to boldly love my husband. Bold love helps those it is directed at, and my love was to be directed at my husband to help him with his abusive behavior, aiming at the source of it, his own heart. But scripture says that foolish people are not prone to listening to good counsel, and that truth applies in this case as well. The plan was to have him go to counseling, or else I would leave him temporarily, just to show him I meant business. Bold love also requires consequences of those so loved if they do not respond. This was before the summer vacation of 2006. My husband promised to go as soon as we would get back from vacation. But when that time came, he refused to go. I wasn’t ready to just get up and leave, and I couldn’t anyway, to go home to family would mean leaving the country, and that is illegal if one has children and the other marriage partner doesn’t approve of the trip.

I searched for another counselor, thinking that my husband would not want to go to a biblical counselor because he does not believe in the bible as a legitimate source of counsel. I found one that had a doctorate degree in psychology and specialized in family counseling. It was when I tried to give my husband the doctor’s card in December 2007 that he issued the threat to kill the children, effectively blocking all attempts at a solution. Patricia Evans addresses the issue of blocking. “Blocking and diverting are other defenses by which the abuser controls the interpersonal reality. By totally avoiding the topic at hand, he avoids any exploration of the reality of his behavior.” 3.

I have been dealing with verbal abuse from my husband for about 12 years now, and recently physical abuse too. Apparently I did not have the maturity to deal with this kind of abuse and still be in control of my emotions when I felt rejected by the pastor. In my defense, I doubt that many people would be that mature. When I needed someone the most, I overreacted to rejection and thereby caused more rejection.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1.

That was the scripture verse I didn’t have in my head at the right time. But what I did was not the only cause of the problem. It stirred something in the heart of that pastor that was already there and also surfaced. He accused me of acting according to my feelings, but he did the same thing. And he does not seem to have realized this yet. I still think it is sad and unfortunate that people that have apologized for their actions get turned away from churches indefinitely, and even without due process as in Matthew 18:15-17. I think that it is sad that some pastors don’t seem to know what needs improving in themselves, that they have not reached the goal either. I also think that it is unfortunate that some churches only accept mature Christians and lack the love, mercy and humility that it takes to deal with less mature Christians. Keeping less mature Christians at bay cannot be the only answer to such problems, they should be offered help to overcome their personal problems.

“You can’t fully understand what people are thinking unless you know what they feel as well. Our feelings express our reactions to our interpretations - and we turn around and interpret our feelings as well.” 4. Paul David Tripp asserts that knowing other’s feelings in a matter is very important to finding personal problems and motives and helping that person to overcome personal problems in his book: Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in need of change helping people in need of change. The Christian author and counselor doesn’t discount feelings or condemn the counselee for having them. If condemning other’s feelings would be the counseling method of choice we would be condemning our Lord Jesus Christ as well, since he has feelings too.

Tripp also makes some other good points concerning counseling in general. When speaking about counseling the author does not only mean counseling situations where someone in need seeks help, but also the day-to-day encounters we have with others in need. He says that we help them, “to bring the transforming grace of Christ to people as they really are in the midst of what they are really facing.” When someone says that they want or need something, if they feel certain emotions, especially strong emotions about something, the author tries to ask them certain pertinent questions that will help him and them see the truth behind the situation so that he can better help them. “Because I love God, I want to handle his truth with accuracy, clarity, and specificity. I want to build bridges of understanding from the wisdom of the Word to the details of people’s lives. And because I love people, I will not be satisfied with lobbing grenades of general truth at them. Rather, through good questions, committed listening, and careful interpretation, I will enter their world with the understanding necessary to bring Christ’s help to where it is really needed.” 5.

The pastor made just the mistake that the author cautions against, “lobbing grenades of general truth.” The author mentions that one must ask the right questions, that intense listening is needed, and that a careful interpretation of the situation must follow. He wants to handle God’s word as a surgical instrument, not a weapon. One heals, the other injures. Admittedly I failed in these things during the incident, but so also did the pastor, someone who was trained, or should have been trained, to function as counselor. Especially a humble pastor must be able to admit his faults quickly, apologize, and get on with what he was trained for. He doesn’t have a simple job, but a vocation. But this pastor, even after a few days to think of what had happened, even after he sent me the scathing second letter, still was not able to admit that he could have made a mistake and reach out to me and ask the appropriate questions, listen to the answers, and then carefully interpret the results.

If he had entered my world instead of insisting that I enter his world that condemned my emotions and would have caused me to not be true to myself or God, or the truth, I might have had an ally to help me realize that I was living in an abusive relationship sooner, and could have remedied the home situation sooner. It would never have come to the physical abuse that I and my daughter have suffered. The emotional scars on myself and my children, though already grave, would have been less than they are now. That pastor could have been an even greater instrument of God than he has been, one that consciously helped instead of harmed, and much damage could have been avoided. I think that only a minimum of good has come of the incident, but the good could have been maximized if we, and especially the pastor, had acted with more understanding. I have missed a blessing, but I think that the pastor has missed much more given his position and the fact that he has not lived up to his potential for maximizing the good he could have done. I have desperately needed support while in this domestically abusive relationship, and have gotten it from nearly everyone else, my family, my counselor, my doctor, my lawyer, a local priest, the ladies in a bible-study I sometimes attend, people praying in my parent’s church, the prayers of the pastor and his wife of a local church I sometimes attend, friends in a Catholic movement, neighbors, internet friends, people I hardly know, even total strangers.

I praise God for the help that he has provided me with, and am in the process of learning that God is my joy, yet I still cry out with grief for the ill treatment I have received, both from my husband and from that pastor. The ugly memory of what happened, of the loneliness and rejection I felt and experienced will always remain with me until God wipes our tears away.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:1-4.

I am now looking forward to a solution for the domestic abuse situation and even farther forward to the day when this order of sin, suffering and sadness has passed away forever.

The original account of the spiritual abuse that happened to me is here:

Abuse of Pastoral Authority: A Detailed Case Study

Notes:

1. Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Avon, MA., USA: Adams Media, 1996, p. 29.

2. Ibid., p. 170.

3. Ibid., p. 177.

4. Tripp, Paul David. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in need of change helping people in need of change. Phillipsburg, NJ, USA: P&R Publishing, 2002, p. 196.

5. Ibid., p. 197.

For more about verbal abuse see Patricia Evans’ author website, www.patriciaevans.com and the Evans Interpersonal Communications Institute website, www.verbalabuse.com.

Paul David Tripp directs Changing Hearts, Changing Lives and is a member of the faculty and counseling staff at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, Glenside, Pennsylvania. He also is a faculty member at Westminister Theological Seminary. Read more about Paul David Tripp M. Div., D. Min. at Faithful Reader.com.

On a forum I frequent, we discussed the issue of homosexuals as pastors, some of the more liberal churches accept that, but I was against it because it is a habitual and sexual sin. The problem was that some others thought it didn’t constitute a sin, just a “lifestyle.” But they were not applying scripture to the situation, and those that were, were ignoring both OT verses and the letters (Lev. 18, Romans 1:18-32, 1 Timothy 3).

One major problem in some mainline and not-so-mainline churches is the fact that habitual sin is swept under the rug and hidden to avoid embarrassment for the church, especially if the sin involves sexual sin which could also include sexual assault and abuse, and most especially if a pastor of other church official is involved.

The problem with habitual sin and especially sexual sin being swept under the rug comes mainly from an overexaggeration of meaning given to this verse:

“If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints?” 1 Cor. 6:1.

So many get caught up on that and don’t report crimes to the appropriate authority - the police. They try to solve such problems within the church and blow it every time. Offenders just get transferred elsewhere or the situation is just poorly patched and declared “healed.” I think that healing for both the criminal and victim best takes place in the face of truth and justice. Criminal offenders must be called to justice in the secular legal system - that is what it is for. They can receive counseling and help within the secular system or church system. If church members would form a solid front to fight crime instead of trying to hide it, it wouldn’t be so rampant in our churches. If victims would feel supported and loved instead of being blamed for things they didn’t do and instead being ostracised, this would go a long way toward their recovery and complete healing.

In wondering whether to expose crime we could remember that although sin is not always necessarily equal to crime in a secular sense, all crimes could be called sinful, and sinful acts are evil. Do we really want to tolerate such evil in our churches? Being merciful is one thing, turning a blind eye to repeated and habitual evil is another.

What does scripture say about going to court or alternately hiding evil? Most cling to 1 Cor. 6:1 mentioned above, but I think that just clinging to one verse alone is not properly interpreting scripture, we should study the issue as it recurs in the Old and New Testaments.

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God’s servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God’s servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Romans 13:1-7.

If cases come before your courts that are too difficult for you to judge—whether bloodshed, lawsuits or assaults—take them to the place the LORD your God will choose. Deuteronomy 17:8.

When men have a dispute, they are to take it to court and the judges will decide the case, acquitting the innocent and condemning the guilty. Deuteronomy 25:1.

These are the things you are to do: Speak the truth to each other, and render true and sound judgment in your courts; do not plot evil against your neighbor, and do not love to swear falsely. I hate all this,” declares the LORD. Zechariah 8:16,17.

Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Matthew 5:25.

You notice that Jesus did not say that going to court was wrong. He was not encouraging a cover-up of the issue either. He was not only talking about secular law either, but was also referring to the need for people to repent and believe in him, otherwise they would be judged and found guilty in God’s court if they wouldn’t settle with him out of court beforehand.

Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the LORD, who do their work in darkness and think, “Who sees us? Who will know?” Isaiah 29:15.

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.” John 3:19-21.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:8-11.

I see no reason to keep any criminal offenses from the proper authorities, with the only exception being when the govt. is obviously corrupt (oppressing one race or group in favor of another, or harbors a dictator serving his own interests by manipulating the law), then scripture decides what is right and wrong, not the govt.. Then again, if petty theft can be solved in the church before going to court as Jesus suggested, then there is no need to use the judicial system if the problem has been solved out of court. Paul suggests that the court can mediate in such cases. But if the church authorities feel a need to cover up something, especially a criminal offense like sexual assault just because it would shed a bad light on the church, then that is completely the wrong reason for doing anything. In that case I’d notify the authorities and shout about the offense from the rooftop! Any congregation and/or church authority that deals falsely with its members like that should be dragged through the mud and exposed themselves! It wouldn’t be a congregation where people love God’s law and one another, but where they hate it and others enough to hurt and oppress them in an effort to hide the truth. Just my honest opinion. Feel free to comment.

I wonder how many of us just go through life pretending. Being civil is not really pretending, most of us really do wish others well, or are at least neutral toward others if we don’t exactly wish them well, I think. We shake hands, we say hello, we ask how the others are doing and usually receive a “Fine” as an answer.

But how many of us are not really doing fine even though we say we are? How many are pretending that everything is “fine” on the surface when it really isn’t? How often are we complying when this is expected of us?

Over the holidays I took part in a few collective phone calls to relatives and friends of the family, and with the others around me, listening to what I would say to those on the phone, I could not be truthful about how I felt. It was expected that I say everything was “fine” although it was everything but that. I was in a toxic environment where it was expected to play the game of being “fine”, anything else would have brought negative comments, protests, and that probably even days later, perhaps even shouts of anger. I had to say I was “fine” even though the environment was all but peaceful and restful over the holidays.

Jesus said that, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6. 1. Aside from the important message of the gospel that is contained in that statement, what else could it mean? Jesus says that he is the truth. The Truth. Christians, in dealing with their inmost selves, are supposed to be truthful, with themselves, with others, with God. But what if the environment they are in does not allow such truthfulness? What if honesty and truth bring reproach, anger, threats of violence, even violence?

Is it worth living a pretend life just to keep up an illusion of peace and harmony in an environment where there is none? Is that something that an honest person would do, that a Christian would do? Is it something Jesus did? Jesus was scrupulously honest with those around him, with both those who sought his help and those who refused it. He lived and lives the Truth, and I think that many that emulate him strive for that goal too. He did not put up with social illusions, but uncovered them, much to the embarrassment of especially the spiritual leaders of the time who were experts at weaving illusions.

In controlling relationships it is usually expected that a sort of game be played. The controller is the one that names the rules, those he (or she) controls are the players that are expected to comply. They are expected to pretend with him. But this is a game that only one person can win, no matter how well the others play along. Only the controller can win, all of the others lose. Technically, the controller loses too, he loses the relationships he could have shared if he had approached the others in his life in a healthy way. The controller’s goal is to triumph over those he controls, not to help or support them in the spirit of good will. Some controllers are more obvious about control, showing what is called abusive anger. “Anger underlies, motivates, and perpetuates verbally abusive behavior.” 2. Patricia Evans also calls such overtly angry abusers “Anger Addicts”. A counselor I talked to also describes that type of person as addicted to anger. They thrive on it, even creating excuses to be angry. They often accuse others around them, often family members, of “making” them angry, but in reality it is the anger that they carry inside them that is the problem. Evans also states that less overtly angry controllers are still very angry inside, but they find more creative ways to manipulate others so that they can release it.

I had to deal with an abusively angry person over the holidays, as well as one that showed his anger in very subtle, yet insidious ways. Being between two abusers/controllers like that is like being between a rock and a hard place, but I was able to survive by detaching myself from the situation. I stepped back as an observer and studied their behavior, mannerisms, facial expressions, tone of voice and along with those obvious signs the verbal abuse itself, the abusive statements they made. I functioned as a recorder, a reporter, an observer, a student doing psycho-social observation, which lessened the pain somewhat for a time. I saw how foolish it all was, a pretense, a dance of one-upmanship over the innocents that could do nothing but watch and listen and feel whipped by the abusers’ words accompanied by the barbs of their gestures and facial expressions.

And that was supposed to be a happy and restful vacation. I knew it wasn’t. The children that were present sensed that something was seriously wrong, but the other adults present didn’t want to know. Knowing would have ruined the illusion and exposed the abusers. Wanting to know would have forced the onlookers to face their inner selves, and face the possibility that the reality of the controllers was not their own, but something alien to themselves. Some see reality as a place where one has good will toward others, where one wants to accept others and be accepted, where mutual help and support is normal. Evans calls this “Reality II”. Unfortunately, controllers/abusers live in a different reality, where only competition exists, one is either winning or being conquered. Control, winning, one-upmanship at another’s cost is everything. Evans calls this “Reality I”. 3. In Reality I sympathy is feigned, if even that much. Others are objects to compete with and be conquered, not unique, special people to be loved. These are of course simplifications of something more complex, but do seem to focus on the core of the situation, the human heart, its motives and desires. Finding out that someone you love, who you thought loved you, perceives he is actually in competition with you, is even against you, is not pleasant. Not everyone likes to know such truths. I have come face-to-face with that one. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Categories of verbal abuse:

Withholding, countering, discounting, verbal abuse disguised as jokes, blocking and diverting, accusing and blaming, judging and criticizing, trivializing, undermining, threatening, name calling, forgetting, ordering, denial, abusive anger. 4.

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Fear.

Anguish.

Despair.

Sadness.

Anger.

Foolishness.

Immaturity.

Absurdity.

Illogic.

Irrational.

Deception.

Interruption.

Dysfunction.

Dissonance.

Manipulation.

A friendly mask.

A hollow shell.

A feeble dance.

An empty gift.

A stone instead of bread. Matthew 7:9.

A snake instead of a fish. Matthew 7:10.

Verbal abuse.

Emotional abuse.

Physical abuse.

A wall.

A cage.

That was not loving, it was spiteful.

That was not truthful, it was a lie.

That was not just, it was unjust.

That was not nurturing, it withered the soul.

Stop Pretending!

Notes:

1. Thompson Chain Reference Bible (my favorite reference bible), New International Version, 1983.

2. Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Avon, MA: Adams Media, 1996, p. 105.

3. Ibid. p. 32.

4. Ibid. p. 85, The Categories of Verbal Abuse.