How does a domestic abuser behave? There is no mold per se, but there are typical behaviors that have been observed repeatedly by professionals and laymen alike that we can use to focus our awareness. For simplicity I will refer to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she." Usually domestic abusers/controllers are male and victims are female, but the reverse is also true. The main concern for the abuser/controller is to maintain power and control over the victim, no matter how far they must go to do this. Abusers have low self-esteem that they must make up for by having power and control over others. They must repeatedly boost their low self-esteem by SYSTEMATICALLY belittling others. They even search out their victims, looking for particular personality traits and even belief systems from the start of a relationship. That will be dealt with elsewhere.
What makes victims stay? Most victims are not aware of their victimization at a conscious level because they have not understood that the abuser's bad moods have nothing to do with them or any circumstances, but are SYSTEMATIC and INTENDED and will continue regardless of their behavior or whether circumstances change. They might understand that the situation is "not optimal... not perfect... bad... stressful... scary...," but as long as they still harbor an idea that the abuser is in some way "for... one with... not against... in charge of... superior to..." the victim, that the situation can still be fixed. There usually has to be some sort of event that finally opens the eyes of the victim to the true attitude of the abuser - to realize that the abuser is AGAINST the victim no matter how much he apologizes or says he loves the victim. Even when the abuse has been recognized, many victims stay with the abuser out of hope that they can help him change, because of religious views and vows of "for better or worse" or because they hope for those "better times."
Some forms of abuse are name-calling, threatening (physical or verbal), hitting, kicking, torturing, purposefully ignoring, yelling... does this abusive behavior sound familiar? Schoolyard bullies are abusers. But most people don't think that a bully could be somewhere in the home bullying family members and disrupting their lives to their foundations, perhaps even taking the last thing the victims have - their lives. Most people will look at a man and wife from outside the relationship and assume that everything is fine. But there is no peace in a home containing a bully, someone who is willing to put his wife and family down in increasingly violent ways so that he can feel better about himself.
Domestic abuse goes beyond just the stereotypical male/female marriage relationships. Such abuse is found in gay/lesbian relationships, common-law marriages and every other family combination that exists. The abuser could be a parent, husband, a wife; sometimes the abuser could be an adult that is abusing an elderly parent. So defined, domestic abuse includes child abuse and elderly abuse as well. But the primary examples here will tend to address couple relationships though most can be applied to all abusive relationships.
I would also like to remind anyone reading this that even though the abuse in some cases may seem to be limited to one adult abuser and one adult victim, that children of such abusers and victims hear and see much more than most adults give them credit for. They are learning about relationships and may get the wrong impression that abuse is acceptable. Such children often grow up to become domestic abusers (often male) or victims (often female) themselves. Sometimes the abused children turn abusively on their parents when confronted with having to take care of them in their old age.
The shelter I have this Power and Control Wheel from was able to distribute it courtesy of the Domestic Violence Intervention Project.
I would like to use the wheel to help me illustrate the different kinds of abuse before we see how they affect every aspect of human needs as illustrated in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The Wheel of Power and Control shows how the abuser's need for power and control can reveal itself in different ways.
1. A male domestic abuser may use the concept of male privilege already present in his society or family to oppress his female companion.
- Treats women, especially the female companion (wife, girlfriend) as servants.
- Insists on making all of the "big" decisions.
- Acts like the "master of the castle."
- Defines male and female roles, especially in the home.
- Seeks agreement for his behavior with friends, family, social circle (including his church) and often gets approval or at least the silence of non-involvement. If outsiders suspect abuse they often look away, "what can't be doesn't exist...surely he wouldn't hurt anyone...he has a good education...he's having a bad day...his job is stressful...if it were really so bad, she'd leave...I don't want to get involved..." Abusers count on having this advantage and count on the victim not telling others because he is just "exercizing his right and doing what is normal and acceptable."
Abuse is NEVER normal or acceptable.
2. An abuser may use economic abuse to control the victim.
- Keeps the victim from getting a job (also by using religious beliefs), wasting the victim's time, using the victim's free time or study time by having them "do something for me...", having them homeschool children rather than further their education, preventing them from leaving the house, outright forbidding them to work.
- Making the victim ask for money to do things as simple as grocery shopping and controlling receipts as well as collecting change.
- Giving the victim an allowance.
- If the victim has been allowed to work the economic abuser may collect all of their earnings to control their use.
- The victim may be denied access to family income (family bank account) and would not be encouraged or allowed to have a separate account. Many potential victims do not think that access to money would ever be controlled by their spouse, and realize too late that they should have set money aside, at least for an emergency.
- Keeping the victim in the dark about how much money is available.
3. Abusers use intimidation to keep the victim afraid enough of them to stay in the relationship.
- Using looks, actions and gestures to keep the victim afraid of them.
- Smashing objects to cause fear and possibly destroying the victim's property.
- The abuser may abuse the victim's pets or even kill them.
- They might display guns or other weapons to hint that they "mean business" if the victim should decide to leave.
4. The abuser may use overt coercion and threats to keep the victim in their power.
- Verbal threats to harm the victim should they leave.
- Threats to commit suicide should the victim leave them.
- Threats to have the victim committed to therapy or saying they will just be on welfare without the abuser's support.
- Threats to make the victim drop criminal charges for battery or other illegal behavior of the abuser.
- Abusers may make victims participate in illegal behavior so that the abuser can threaten to turn them in to the police if they leave (blackmail).
5. Isolation is used by abusers to keep victims from getting help or having support from others.
- Geographically isolating the victim from family and friends by having them move to another town, away from the city, to another state, to another country.
- Systematically speaking badly about the victim's family, friends, even country of origin to the victim to mentally isolate the victim from those people or places where they could get support.
- Controlling who the victim sees and who they talk to by controlling phone access, internet access, forbidding the victim to associate with others or certain others. The victim's involvement outside the home is limited or forbidden.
- Controlling what the victim reads. This would also include internet access, following the victim into chatrooms and forums. If the abuser finds information the victim has collected about abuse this may trigger a violent outbreak. Victims in such cases need to cover their tracks thoroughly if they cannot leave the relationship quickly and safely. Possessing material about abuse including books, pamphlets, even files or links in the computer, could be life threatening if the abuser finds out.
- Abusers use jealousy to justify their controlling actions and violence.
6. Abusers may use children of victims, even mutual children, to influence the victim.
- Making the mother feel guilty about the children in some way by using the children's inadequacies to accuse her of being a bad mother.
- Using children to relay messages to the mother.
- Using visitation times to harass/intimidate the mother.
- Threatening to harm the children or take them away from the mother if she leaves.
- If the children live with the other parent, the abuser can try to make them feel bad about being left out of his activities by mentioning all of the things they are missing when not with the abuser (toys, events, the abuser's family members). The abuser may covertly or overtly offer the children rewards such as money or toys if they return to him. Withholding toys if they do not come is an example of a covert offer.
7. Abusers try to minimize or deny their controlling actions and blame them on others, on circumstances, or on the victim.
- Making light of the abuse, calling it a joke, not taking the victim's discomfort seriously.
- Refusing to go to counseling at the victim's request, since this would be an admission of bad behavior.
- Shifting the responsibility for his behavior to others, the wife and circumstances, "she made me do it...she provoked me...I was stressed out...It is all her fault..."
- Denies the abusive event ever happened.
8. Abusers use emotional/verbal abuse to wear down the self-esteem of the victim.
- Name calling - "Stupid...idiot...good-for-nothing...whore...bitch..."
- Purposefully making the victim feel bad about herself. The abuser may call the victim a criminal, may have made them participate in criminal acts, humiliating acts, or acts the victim thinks are wrong. Abusers never forgive for these "offenses," but expect forgiveness for their outbursts.
- Purposefully making the victim think they are crazy. Abusers deny abuse ever happened, making victims doubt their own experiences. They may play mind games. They may even move objects or furniture around to confuse the victim on purpose. This is called gaslighting after a 1940 film, Gaslight (there was also a remake in 1944).
- Humiliating the victim at home or in public, but in ways that may not always be recognizable by outsiders. Humor is often used for this, "It was only a joke."
- Purposefully making the victim feel guilty for the abuser's behavior. "If you hadn't done that...You made me do it...You're too sensitive...You're too ________."
- Purposefully keeping the victim awake at night. Abusers may do this to make the victim crazy, to make her confess to something she did to avoid the control of the abuser, because the abuser thinks she violated some rule of his, to make her too tired to get an education or hold a job, or just to torture her or punish her for a recent independent word or act that didn't fit in with the abuser's perfect fantasy image of her. This method of control is also used as a form of control in cults and as torture by governments on enemies and potential enemies of the state.
The last two points are my own additions to further clarify the physical and sexual abuse listed on the outer rim of the wheel.
Sexual abuse is not uncommon in domestic abuse.
- A domestic abuser might force the partner to perform sexual acts they do not want to perform by use of threats, intimidation and weapons. This could include threatening to harm or kill the children if the victim does not comply. Weapons might be used in sexual acts to further intimidate the victim.
- Simply having sex with the domestic abuser may be traumatic to the victim, since she is afraid of the abuser. She would only be having sex with him to avoid being "punished" and/or avoid an outbreak of anger.
Physical Abuse may or may not be present in domestic abuse.
- Among other things, physical abuse can consist of kicking, hitting, pulling hair, slapping, biting, pinching, stabbing, burning, sexual abuse, using any object to hurt someone.
Not all points above will be present in every domestically abusive situation.
This copy of Maslow's Hierarchy from Wikipedia.
Above I have described the acts which take place in a domestically abusive situation. Below I intend to show how these acts disrupt victim's needs by indicating how the abusive acts disrupt needs as categorized by Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I will start at the top of the pyramid, which would be the area in every victim's life that is most certain to be disrupted. I will show how a healthy relationship supporting personal needs differs from an abusive relationship at every level.
In a caring relationship each partner is not only interested in his own personal growth and fulfillment, but he is genuinely for the other partner. The caring partner is willing to help the other reach self-actualization. Each supports the other with personal goals and fulfillment.
In an abusive relationship the abuser is only in favor of reaching his own goal of one-upmanship - of having power and control over the partner at the expense of that partner. The abuser/controller does not support the partner, but in fact suppresses the other's self-actualization in order to reach his own goal of petty fulfillment through bullying.
In a healthy relationship each partner wants to raise or maintain his self-esteem and is willing to help the other maintain or raise her self-esteem. Each may want to maintain or increase responsibilities, reputation, achievement and status. Each may want to strive for skills to get a better job, make more money, feel needed in society, feel better about self through promotion or that dream job they always wanted. The willing support of a spouse may be needed to obtain such things.
A domestic abuser will oppress the partner and hinder them from reaching goals that might raise their self-esteem. Abusers might savor a moment of triumph when they think that they have successfully oppressed the victim, but due to their low self-esteem their triumphs are always short-lived and they are soon back on the lookout to put the victim down again. The last thing that an abuser wants is for the victim to have good self-esteem. The abuser needs to feel dominant and in control. The controlling domestic abuser expects the partner to give up their self-esteem for his own pleasure. Even if the victim complies with all of the abuser's wishes, the abuser will still find any excuse for putting the victim down.
Everyone feels a need to belong to a group in which they are accepted and loved. The family should be an environment where this basic need is met. In a caring family relationship, each person has roles and responsibilities that make them feel wanted, useful and respected as an individual while giving the assurance that they are a part of the group. Especially in a healthy marital relationship each partner feels accepted, loved and respected by the other.
If the family situation is perverted, the family may no longer be able to meet the human need to be loved and belong to a group. If an abuser/controller is present in a family, they will be tyrannizing the other family members. They may sometimes give affection or seem to give it, and at other times they may withhold affection to try to make the others behave the way they want or to "punish" them for not complying. They will treat the partner as subordinate and not equal with themselves. If children are abused their needs for love and belonging will not have been met in a healthy way. A caregiver that was supposed to love them, and may even say he loves them, is in fact behaving in a way that shows them that they are not loved. Ironically, the victims may not react to end the abuse if they think this would disrupt a feeling of belonging. They might be afraid to be alone or see no other alternative, but to remain in a relationship where at least the illusion of belonging exists. victims may deny that they were abused to protect this false security of belonging or because they are loyal to the abuser.
In a healthy family the parents are caring for the children in the children's best interests. Each wants to protect the other from harm. Even older siblings will care for and protect younger siblings. The environment will be as safe as possible. Rules will be set to protect family members, but will not be oppressive. The environment will be emotionally stable, relatively calm and orderly. The residents of the family will feel secure. The children will have learned to trust their parents, their parents having provided them with loving attention, emotional support and their daily needs.
In an abusive family the residents do not feel secure. The constant emotional ups and downs of the abuser give a false sense of security during "up" moments, but show the true nature of the abuser and ruin the home in the "down" moments when the abuser lives out his anger. The residents of the home "walk on eggshells" to avoid anger outbreaks, but it is only a matter of time until the next outbreak will erupt, since the abuse is not dependent on the victim's behavior for his emotional outbursts (although he may blame everyone but himself). It is the mental and emotional state of the abuser that causes him to erupt. If the environment seems stable momentarily, it is only an attempt to prentend that it is stable by both the abuser and the victims. Victims are often brainwashed by the abuser to forget previous episodes of anger. They may be diverted by the abuser's excuses to associate previous outbursts with other situations to keep them from focusing on the abuser as the source of the trouble. This false stability could be for the benefit of outsiders or to keep up an illusion by the abuser over the victims that "everything is normal". Victims may deny that they were abused because they fear the unknown outside of the relationship with the abuser. They may have no assurance that it will be safer outside of the abusive relationship.
The most basic of human needs are biological and physical. We all need air, food, water, shelter, warmth and sleep. Sex is also considered to be a basic need for adults. In a normal, loving home (barring extreme poverty), whether humble or opulent, the basic needs will be provided. Loving families will try to make the shelter as dry, comfortable and warm as possible. Healthy families will freely share food among themselves so that all family members get enough of the nutrients everyone needs. Ideally no one will be hoarding food or keeping the best for himself. Everyone will consider the others' need for sleep to feel rested the next day and promote good physical and mental health. Sex will be between consulting adult partners and will not be forced on others or be driven by selfish aims to meet only one individual's sexual demands.
In an abusive home environment even the most basic needs may not be met in one or more ways.
Food/Water:
One adult may hoard the best foods for themselves. I know of one example where the family father, dependent on government help for food, ate all of the meat allotted to the family himself and left none for his wife and children. They had to eat rice and beans. Some abusers will forbid a spouse or children to get a drink of water if they do not comply with the abuser's wishes or use food and/or water deprivation as "punishment".
Breathing/Air/Oxygen:
Some abusers have used partial strangulation or holding the spouse or children under water as a measure to intimidate. This is even denying them the air they need to breathe.
Sleep:
Some abusers purposefully deprive spouses or children of sleep, when all should be sleeping and gathering strength for the next day. (See the list of abusive actions under the Power and Control Wheel for more about this). Sleep deprivation is not only a form of abuse, but also a form of torture. This purposefully wears down a person's mental resistance. This cannot be seen as normal behavior. After a conflict, some abusers force their spouses to stay awake at night until they simply agree with the abuser's views so that they can get some sleep.
Physical Wholeness/Shelter:
Some abusers have been known to physically hurt their spouses or threaten to hurt their children to intimidate the spouse to remain in the relationship. This sounds skewed to someone who has not been in such a relationship, but often such threats have intimidated victims to stay in the abusive relationship. Some abusers force their spouses or children to sleep on the couch, the floor, in the garage or even outside of the house, denying them the basic need for shelter, physical comfort and warmth.
Sex:
Normal sex between adults takes place out of mutual attraction and for mutual satisfaction, not to satisfy the needs or fantasies of only one partner. Abusers have been known to play with guns during intercourse or have a gun openly present as an overt threat to the basic need of nurturing sex. Others threaten with some sort of punishment if their sexual preferences are not met. So even this basic adult need can be perverted in an abusive relationship.
Life:
The most perverted violation of human biological needs takes place when an abuser murders the victim or victims. Domestic abuse rarely decreases and usually increases until the threat of death is imminent. If the victim cannot realize how dangerous the situation is, or cannot muster the courage to leave such a harmful relationship, it is possible that they will be murdered by the abuser, especially if the abuser has threatened to do so or if he thinks that he will lose control over the victim. In a healthy family each works to protect the others from life-threatening situations, in an abusive family the abuser may even threaten the lives of the other family members. Instead of giving life, he is parasitically draining it out of the other family members from the top of the pyramid of needs to the bottom, even to taking life completely away from them.
Living in an abusive environment with an abuser can disrupt every level of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs so that not only are victims not able to reach self-actualization, but even their most basic needs are not met in the abusive environment. Even life itself may be in danger in an abusive relationship.
To anyone in an abusive relationship:
I hope that I have been able to show you how badly you are oppressed by the abuser. I would encourage you to leave the relationship so that your needs and those of your children if you have any can be met somewhere else. Not everyone may reach self-actualization, even in the best of circumstances, but outside of an abusive relationship it is at least possible to strive for that goal. I would also encourage you to get counseling to rid yourself of the effects of abuse in your life and in the lives of your children. Get the empowerment help you need and make sure that your children get counseling as well. The effects of abuse can last much longer than the abuse itself and may take years to recover from. Some victims may carry emotional and physical scars with them as long as they live.
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